Westerly's Home for Wizened Warlocks and Witches
by FloppyWandedDementorBuggerer
Summary: Harry and the crew in a nursing home! All relationships are true to the epilogue and most deaths are disregarded. Rated T for slight language.
1. Wheel Chair Races!

Harry and the crew in a nursing home! All relationships are true to the epilogue and most deaths are disregarded. Rated T for slight language.

Westerly's home for wizened Warlocks and Witches

Chapter One: Pudding.

Harry Potter was sitting in his rocking chair watching as a healer handed everyone their pudding.

Today, it was extra special. It was tapioca.

Harry was the last to receive his since he liked to sit in the back by the air conditioner. Ron ate his within three seconds and Hermione was scolding him of his still ludicrous eating habits.

"Honestly, Ronald! You'd think after _all_ this time-"

"Ah, will you shut up?"

"I will not- How _dare_ you!"

*bickerbickerbicker*

Harry sighed tuning them out and was about to get a bite of his pudding when-

"Potter!"

"_Whaaaat_?" Harry asked angrily.

"Give me your pudding, Potter!" Malfoy demanded.

"No! This is _my_ pudding! _Go get your own_!"

"I want _yours_. Give it here." Malfoy said as if it were expected.

"No."

"Crabbe!" Malfoy turned around with one hand on his cane and the other supporting his back, "Tell Potter to give me his pudding!"

"I'm watching the telly! Leave me alone!"

"_Arghh_! _Goyle_!" Malfoy turned slightly and saw that the fat oaf that was Goyle was asleep in his chair, his pudding all over his chest.

"What'cha gunna do, Malfoy?" Harry asked teasingly putting a spoonful of pudding up to his mouth.

Malfoy began to ponder what he was going to do and reinforced his hand on hip stance.

"I'm going to challenge you, Potter."

"What?" Harry asked, the spoon moving away from his face slightly.

"Wheelchair race!" Malfoy said triumphantly with his now wrinkly smirk.

"What the hell! Really? That's so… _juvenile_!"

"Yes, but they've taken our wands and no brooms, so… Wheelchair race!"

Harry sighed and set the pudding on a small in table by his bed then got up. He grabbed his walker and scooted over by Malfoy with encouraging claps and cheers from a few patrons.

Eventually, they both made it to the other side of the room where the wheelchairs were. The small crowd of people around them made an isle for them to go through and they set up the chairs.

"Okay, on the count of three," Pansy said, "One, two… three!"

And they were off down the hallway, zooming past a closed healer quarters' door, which was thankfully occupied with every healer at the moment.

"Ha! See ya scar head!" Malfoy laughed as he zoomed past Harry.

"Not in your life!"

Harry then used all his strength to go the extra bit to, at last minute, win the race.

"Harry wins!" Neville called to the crowd.

"Yay!" Most of the people called.

"What? What's happening?" Voldemort said startled as he awoke from slumber.

"Harry's won the pudding off Malfoy." A very grumpy looking Severus Snape said as he set his empty pudding cup on the counter beside him.

"Again? When is Malfoy going to learn? He just can't wheel like he used to."

"What?" Luscious Malfoy asked, rolling over in his wheel chair at the utterance of his name.

"Not you, Draco. We were discussing Potter's winning of the pudding cup."

"This place is so stupid."

"My father will hear about this!" Draco's voice drawled, interrupting the angery thoughts of the Dark Lord, the Half-Blood Prince and the Luscious Mouthful.

"Oh, Merlin." Luscious sighed as he wheeled over to where his son was, "Draco. What is it?"

"Father! Potter won the pudding!"

"Draco- this is so not how I raised you. Just go flirt with Pansy and get some off her."

"But- it's not the same, father! She's a harlot."

"Fucking- here! Take mine!"

"No!"

"Draco_! I will ground from existing it you don't stop whining this second_!"

"I-… fine." Draco sighed as he walked back to his bedroom.

Harry smirked and ate his pudding.

**I plan on writing more of these just to get my mind straight on my stories... I need to work on those... Hope you liked this one! **


	2. Soap Operas and Mayonnaise

Chapter 2: Soap Operas and Mayonnaise

The Dark Lord Voldemort was sitting in a chair in the middle of the main room, watching a soap opera with a glass of tea in his shakey hand.

'_Please don't do this! I didn't know he was your brother!'_ A Latino woman said on the screen.

"She did _too_ know! The lying _harlot_!" Voldemort spat at the television set, spilling his tea on his lap.

"Master," Severus said quietly, "Could you _please_ stop with the yelling?"

"I am not _yelling_, Severus! I am giving a personal commentary on the show."

"My Lord-"

"Just _shut up and eat your mayonnaise_!"

"My… my what?" Severus asked confused.

"There, in that cup." Voldemort said pointing to Severus' cup in his hand filled with… mayonnaise?

"My Lord, this is puddin-"

"I don't give a _damn_ what it is! I am trying to see what happens!"

Voldemort scowled at Severus and then went back to watching his show.

'_Marissa? Why is my brother Todd here?'_

'_I- he was just visiting-'_

'_Charlie? So it is true! You're dating my brother!'_

{"Nagini!,"} Voldemort called in Parsteltongue, {"Come watch the show with me, my love!"}

{"Yes, master."}

Nagini came from under the sofa an slowly slithered to Voldemort's chair and into his lap.

{"See here Nagini? Marissa was caught in the act by Charlie! Todd had no idea!"}

{"Oh. Sorry master but could you tell Severus to hurry up and eat his mayonnaise. The smell is obnoxious."}

"Severus," Voldemort called, "Hurry up and eat your blasted mayonnaise!"

"It's not-"

"Just _hurry_! The smell is getting to Nagnini!"

Severus held his tongue and ate the rest of his pudding rather fast.

'_Todd! No! Not this! We can work this out! He's your brother!'_

'_Shut up, bitch! I'm just getting rid of some… competition.'_

_BANG_

'_Charlie! No!'_

The Dark Lord chuckled, "That's right, you harlot! She got what she had coming to her!"

"I'm leaving." Severus said shakily getting up to his cane.

"Take your mayonnaise cup with you!" Voldemort said not taking his eyes off the television screen.

"_Pudding_!"

{"Nagini, I am really glad I have you as a friend. All these fools give me headaches."}

{"Your welcome, Tom."} Harry said as he took Severus' empty chair.

{"_Potter_. If I weren't in the middle of my story-"}

"Did Todd find out?" Harry asked suddenly.

"You… You watch 'Wandless' too?" Voldemort asked.

"But of _course_! Marissa is so _hot_ and that one girl! _Muy_ _caliente_!" Harry said easing into the chair.

Voldemort looked from Harry to the television screen and sighed.

"So, tell me what's happened." Harry said when a commercial brake came on.

"Marissa was with Todd and then Charlie came over. Now Todd has killed Charlie and Marissa's second cousin Elizabeth came up pregnant with Charlie's twins."

"What? Man… I liked Charlie."

"Which is why he is dead."

Harry scowled at Voldemort then turned his attention the television to watch the show.

"Here you are." A healer said handing Harry some vanilla pudding.

"Thanks!"

{"Oh, not more of that retched stuff!"} Nagini cried.

{"Potter! Either leave or rid of the mayonnaise!"}

"Mayonnaise? This is pudding!"

"What?" Voldemort looked back at Harry and eyed his pudding cup skeptically, "Lucius told me it was mayonnaise so I gave him mine… THAT LYING WANKER!"

Harry began laughing at the sight of The Dark Lord getting to his walker and scooting to the back of the room where Lucius and Narcissa were doing a puzzle.

"Lucius! I demand your pudding for the next week for the trick you pulled!" Voldemort said.

"What trick, My Lord?" Lucius asked examining a puzzle piece.

"You told me that the pudding was mayonnaise so you could have mine! You're a lying wanker and you should be castrated!"

"… for cheating you of pudding?" Narcissa asked.

"Yes!"

"Fine, My Lord. You can have my pudding for the next week."

Voldemort faltered, not expecting such a prize in pudding, "Yes. Well, I'll be going back to my show now."

Voldemort scooted back to his chair and eased into it sighing with contentment.

**What do you think? Review please? **


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